What Doesn't Kill Me Only Makes Me Stronger

Tonight I definitely realized how much I miss Mark. Before tonight I was thinking, "Yeah! I am okay! This will be okay!" But tonight I had class and I just got so overwhelmed and all I was thinking was, "I wish I could call Mark right now." I just wanted to hear him say everything would be okay. I loved it when he would back me up and tell me I was making the right decisions. I now feel like people are trying to take advantage of me... It's like they don't understand and they think I am malicious because of what I don't want to do right now because I am thinking of my future. They don't think about my future. They don't see what I see. Mark did. Mark saw my future with his and he wanted what was best for both of us. He sees everything like I do. He took the time to sit and listen to me and fully understand. There was no interrupting me and saying, "Yeah but Jennica look at this." before I even got to the point of my situation. He supports me in what I want to do and that's what I miss most, that support. I just feel like I got done running a 10 mile marathon with my legs just jiggly and shaky all the time. I don't have my foundation anymore... I miss that the most.

I hate it when you're going through a tough time and then people decide to say mean things to you and blame you for their problems. Shoot I already have enough tough times to go through I don't need you making me feel any worse than I already do! The worst part is they don't even understand the top little layer of what I am going through every day! Every day! Nothing has changed day to day. Since Mark has left I feel like every week something else in my "normal" routine goes haywire and I have to fix it somehow... I just want to wake up and have all my problems solved you know? Like have everything be okay.

I also hate when people are SO loud and obnoxious talking to other people about their lives and how terrible they are. How hard their life is. I don't know their situation so I am probably being a hypocrite, but I don't flaunt around how hard my life is. I don't enjoy people feeling sorry for me. I want people to look up to me, not feel sorry for the stuff I do. It bugs me when people say the same things over and over too. Tonight I was just thinking, "Alright alright we have already heard that you have to wake up at 4 in the morning to go to work! If you really cared you would get your butt over here and help me get this lab done instead of just sitting there being loud while I figure EVERYTHING out! If you would help and stop talking I could be able to process what I am reading PLUS get you out of here so you can go home to get the sleep that you obviously don't value as much as you say you do." People... Sorry for the ranting but I just had to get it out!

What the worst part of adjusting to waiting is the fact that the one thing you want, the one thing that you feel like will make it all better you can't get. You can't hear his voice or call him. You can't get that hug or the "It's all going to be okay." You can MAYBE get it in the next letter in a week, but by then you have a whole new set of problems... This is where I think the trusting in the Lord comes in. I thought I had a lot of trust in the Lord, but now I notice that I used to not really rely too much on him. I mean I would pray every night and read my scriptures, but I don't feel like I really went straight to him when I needed help with something or to just calm down like I should have. I notice now I went to Mark instead. This is going to be my focus while Mark is gone. To obtain a strong relationship with my Father in heaven so that I don't feel like life is giving me whip lash.

To me life just feels like a roller coaster. You have your ups and downs and even if you're not ready for the loop-de-loop the coaster doesn't care and you're going through it if you like it or not! I wish I could just close my eyes like I could on a coaster and just go through the obstacles in life... I am not one to let life decide what it's going to do with me though, I am going to decide what I do with my life. (Of course I intend to create a relationship with my Heavenly Father and have his help and guidance.) One thing that I need to keep remembering is to not look back and keep moving forward.

The quality I want to talk about with mine and Mark's relationship is definitely the support system we are to each other. I supported every decision he made that made sense, even if it wasn't what I wanted for him at the time. He, at one point, didn't want to serve a mission. Although I didn't totally agree with his reasoning he had said that he prayed about it and that was the answer he got from it. Of course I didn't question him (I felt like that would be questioning God) and I supported him. But I kept praying every night that if it was meant for him to go on a mission that that's what would happen. After a while I prayed about if he should serve and I felt like he should, but I was scared to tell him what I felt. When I finally got the courage to tell him a couple nights later he said that he had prayed and gotten the same answer. So I was relieved that we got the same answer! But then forward I supported him getting ready for his mission and doing the things he needed to do to be able to leave. I don't regret my decisions in supporting him either. Yes this hasn't been the best or easiest experience for me yet, but I KNOW for a fact that this is where he is supposed to be. His testimony has already doubled and he has only been out for a month. I know that I am supposed to get some kind of strength from this situation too. Tonight driving home I though it was ironic that I listened to this song on the radio that kept saying "What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger" and then I turned the station after that song was over and it was just starting on the next station I wanted to listen to! So I know I am going to be getting strength from these two years. I have big plans to strengthen my relationship with my God. I know he loves me and that he wouldn't want Mark to go on a mission if it wasn't good for him. I have a testimony of this and I know that God wants what is best for me. I can see how he is molding me through trials. I want a better relationship with him and I know he wants the same thing too. I love him and I know he is real! I love my religion, but I especially love MY Heavenly Father!