9 Months

Wow! It's been OVER 9 months now! Almost 10 and I still haven't written! :)

This last month, I'm not going to lie, has pretty much been one of the hardest we have gone through-- and I say we because it was particularly trying for Mark and I.

His mission has been hard, like every mission gets I know. He is learning so much and growing and still changing into a better man. :)

For anyone out there reading this wondering about the whole "waiting for a missionary" experience, I am going to tell you right now it's not all rainbows and butterflies after the first 6 months. It gets tough. You know how you are excited to turn 16 to get your license and 17 is like a "filler" year for the year before 18. Well that's how I feel with these in between 6 months to 12 month marks. It's been so aggravating! Haha but time is going by pretty fast. :)

Our mail got really messed up the past few weeks. So I didn't get a letter for two weeks! The letter I had gotten at the beginning of this month wasn't too happy because well he is on his mission and going through a lot of change, it's not easy and I am really glad he told me what was going on in his mission and in his head. (Communication is EVERYTHING while he is gone) So those 2 weeks I was really anxious to hear from him. This is where you learn the talent of keeping yourself distracted really well while you know he isn't doing too awesome... It sucks not being able to really do anything about it either. I just wanted to call him on the phone and make him smile like I used to be able to. It was so hard knowing that I couldn't do that, under any circumstances -- there was literally nothing I could do about it.

I finally received one of my letters, where he explained himself with the Me Going on a Mission thing and I was really glad to hear his explanation. I think that's the number one thing that was straining so much this month. It shouldn't be but it's stressful knowing how everything you thought would happen would be held off for 6 months to maybe a year.

I think what is most important though is that he and I are good now. :) I got his letter and I think he will be receiving mine soon, I hope so! It's nice knowing that we got through a hard month. It was one of the most straining and I feel accomplished getting through it because I didn't give up because everything wasn't dandelions and rainbows. We stuck through it all and now we are fine. :)

I still love him more than anything and can't imagine being with anyone else in my life. I am excited that time is still going by so swiftly! As of today only 81 more days until he has been gone a year! :D Ahhhh! Well here is to the next 15 months! :)

Mission?

As many people know General Conference this year was particularly interesting and life changing. Not only were inspirational words about this wonderful gospel were said, but the age of female missionaries allowed to serve a full time mission is now 19.

Ever since this announcement my head has been spinning! I have ALWAYS wanted to serve a mission. Ever since I was young! I didn't think I would get to though because before I turned 21 I was going to be married to Mark, so I never really worried about it. But now I could go before he comes back. Granted we are a few months past the 6 month point, meaning I wouldn't be here for his homecoming (like I've been dreaming of since almost 9 months ago). I have no idea what I am going to do.

I have prayed about it, but feel like it is solely my decision. I am worthy, have the money and means to go, but I just don't know what to do. It's scary- actually thinking about filling out the paperwork and getting endowments done to teach the gospel, but it's exciting all the same! I want to help in spreading the gospel more then I have. I want to get out of where I am comfortable in Utah and Arizona and have a real big change. I just don't know what to do.

I think it makes it a bit harder, because the prophet still doesn't say that all worthy and able females should go on their mission like they do with males. It's like "It's not a bad thing at all, it's a really good thing, but it's your decision." I don't feel obligated to go or not go. I don't feel like I should or shouldn't. I just am right in the middle where I think it'd be a fun experience, but scary at the same time.

I want to be able to know first hand what Mark went through. I want to have some of the same experiences. Of course our experiences would be totally different in ways, but similar in the fact that we'd be teaching the gospel and learning how to better serve our fellow men. He would have to wait a minimum of 6 months to a max of a year for me to get home. He'd be able to see first hand at what life is like in the "real world" if you will, waiting for someone. Then he might be able to better understand my feelings and emotions during this time I've been waiting for him so faithfully.

I don't want to do this to be away from him any longer then I have to be. I don't want to extend this period of time that I can't see him from the already long 2 years to maybe 2 and a half or 3, but I feel like I have such an opportunity and I want to be able to take it. I feel like I might be ungrateful for this wonderful revelation in our times not taking advantage of it while I can. I don't want to stay in Utah/ Arizona and not go around and see some of the world. I feel like I would be missing out on so many chances to get out and learn and see more about life-- maybe I'd appreciate mine more.

I want to get that deep connection with my Heavenly Father, more then I already have. Christ is my brother and best friend. I want to serve others the way He has served me.

I emailed Mark about it today and the response wasn't excited or sad. I think it's hard for him to digest. He's been used to the thought of me being home when he is home and I think the thought of me not being here when he's home isn't something he likes all that much. He said he'd support me and that he'd wait for me. Now I guess I feel like how he felt-- wondering if the other would wait. It's scary. Thinking that I've waited for so long on him to come home (almost a year now) and if he came home and for some reason didn't wait that 6-12 months for me to get there. What would I do? I know a lot of mission presidents make it a point to push the missionary to get married quickly after he gets home, so that thought kind of scares me. My mom says that if Mark is the one for me that he'd wait for me to come home. I believe that. It really does take character and discipline to wait so faithfully for someone. I don't know if many of the other girls who send out missionaries think this, but I know when Mark left and even still currently today I think, "Would he wait for me like I've waited for him?" I had asked him this before he left and he said he would and I trust that he would.

It's so crazy having the roles reversed. I wish he and I could really talk about it. I think that would be great, but you can't always have what you want right? I'm going to go talk to my bishop about it really soon so he can give me guidance and I can pray more about what I should do and when I should do it.

Who knows! Maybe this time next year I'll be almost done with my mission. :)